My choice of pain and tears

Life has been a long, long operation and this surgery began when I became conscious of what was happening around me. I was injected with anaesthesia when it began and slowly, the doctor began cutting me apart. Inch by inch, the glowing sharp scalpel carved into me and crimson red blood began to flow out of the incision.

Yet, when I was young, I was still under the influence of anaesthesia and there was no pain. Why? Because I spent my days getting into naughty acts, playing and not once was I really conscious of what was really happening. I was asleep. Peacefully resting in deep slumber.

However, slowly the clock turned to when I was 16. It was then that I told myself I had to change for the better. Yet, what I did not know was that with such a resolution came a hefty price. Slowly, the anaesthesia wore out and the sleeping patient awoke.

I started to change. I began to put others before myself and compromising to make others happy. My world no longer revolved around myself but around the happiness of others. When others were happy, I would be thrilled. When others were sad, I would be dejected. Then I began to do silly things. I would constantly think of how to make others happy but little did I know that bit by bit, I was losing myself. I used to be an arrogant performer, gracing the stage and flaunting what I had or had not. Yet, slowly I was reduced to an audience, to watch the shows of others and accord them the applause of encouragement.

I began to serve others and sometimes I even remarked at how selfless I had became. But deep inside, I knew I was dead selfish. Everybody has a motive for doing something, something they want to gain. To some, it may be money or fame but for me, I always went the extra mile for gratitude. I longed for the simplest "Thank you" for it was akin to a rainbow brightening up the sky. There are people whom I hold close to the heart yet deep down I know I do not have the same position in theirs. I thought I didn't mind for it was their happiness that mattered, but deep down inside it hurt so badly.

The operation is on-going and the anaesthesia has worn out. Every moment brings to me waves of pain and tears that threaten to obliterate me. I might have gotten used to the pain over the years but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any more. Now, I can only hope some kind soul can stitch me up and bring me relief to the screaming pain.