Monday, July 26, 2010

Courage to Love

Hey everybody.. been ages since I wrote anything actually worth reading.. HAHAHA.. Well.. been pretty busy with school stuff and slacking so guess I'll give it a shot before school officially starts. So here's a fictional piece of work.
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The bus seemed to take eternity to arrive, the music seemed to take forever to end. Yet none of these mattered for he was sealed in his own timeless state of thinking. The edges of his eyes reddened and as he made a stronger-than-usual blink, tears threatened to embarrass him in public.

As he forcefully made his eyes swallow the tears back, he muttered to himself "It doesn't matter, you'll get used to it, nothing really does matter". Yet, even if he were to get used to heartache, it didn't mean it wouldn't hurt. Every heartache hurt just as bad in all its entirety. All he could do was to get use to the process of hurting and carrying on.

He once thought of stripping himself of the courage to love. For without love there would be no pain. Or at least that was what he thought. It was the easy way out, the best defence he could construct, yet it wasn't an idea he could accept. He knew he had to love, to give and to care for reasons he himself couldn't come up with. He just couldn't stop loving...

So if he couldn't adopt this easiest way out, he could only go for the second-best alternative. Slowly and painfully, he stripped himself of the courage to be loved. If he could remove the hope of being loved, maybe he could alleviate his pain and stop his suffering from expanding.

This was no easy path. To give and not ask to receive. Yet maybe if he managed to slice off this tumour, he might be able to save his entire body. But remember, in emotions there is no anaesthesia.
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Sunday, July 18, 2010

Doubt is such a painful knife, it kills my memories

Where this is light, there will be shadows. Shadows move in ways that differ greatly from how the original person is moving and that is why I will call it 'Doubt'. Doubt is a very powerful yet silent killer. Its intangible and creeps into you waiting to murder the beautiful memories you have of somebody.

I always ask my friends to be more trusting, to believe and as such to be happy. Yet just as my friends are humans, I am too. I also have times when I fall prey to doubt. Doubt breeds from insecurity and insecurity comes from two people. We often hear people complain that others do things that make them have doubts yet doubting is a choice and both parties are responsible for it. For me, I'm having doubts that one of my friendships will last. I'm trying to repair this bridge but apparently its falling apart faster than I can repair it.

Maybe its just the wrong time. Maybe its not as I think. Doubting your doubts are often ways to allay them. Yet often I come to a greater, more convincing doubt. Maybe this bridge wasn't there at all in the first place. When there is nothing at all, there is nothing to repair or to destroy.

I never expect others to put me in the same priority as I do for them. Even when they are number 1 in my ranking, I just hope to be at least 101th in their's. Maybe I should stop dreaming.

Or maybe I'm just writing crap here...

Friday, July 16, 2010

My understanding of EMO-ing

Our generation (or the multiple eras after mine) have long been branded as angsty, melancholic or to use a more modern term - EMO. I do have my fair share of friends who go into periods of EMO-ing and I thought I would share my perspective of this particular feeling we sometimes get.

First these are two stands I want to make:
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1) I DO NOT think emo-ing is bad. To me emo-ing serves two purposes. The first is for you to reflect and through this reflection you can grow. Too often we look around us for ways to achieve growth but many forget that the greatest source of growth lies within us. Instead of foraging in the bags of others for growth, we should just look into our own backpack. Often this reflection will reveal many things you neglected before.

The second purpose for emo-ing is to remind you that you are still human. In this competitive society where weakness is abhorred and scorned, everybody wants to put up a brave front. They train themselves to never reveal their real emotions easily. Slowly, you lose the very essence of being human. Nothing is more fearful than the hardening of the heart. Humans are not super-humans. They have their strengths and their weaknesses and emo-ing reminds you that you are still fragile at times like a human and not unfeeling like a computer.

2) I DO NOT support excessive emo-ing. Other than the extreme cases of kissing your wrist with blades or enjoying the scenery on the beautiful parapet, excessive emo-ing still has its adverse effects on the average person. Emo-ing is like running around in a pond filled with piranhas. When you run around quickly you grow in terms of agility and speed but when you stay there too long, you can never gurantee that you won't be bitten by those flesh-eating monsters. Prolonged emo-ing transforms into a quicksand. Once you start sinking into it, it is extremely difficult for you to escape with external help.

After all these "DO NOT"s, here is a piece of advice I have which is purely personal opinion. Don't take it as your bible.

If your friend is emo-ing:
If you do not have the time to counsel your friend who is emo-ing or you do not know how to do it, DON'T even start. All you end up doing is say useless things like "cheer up" or "weekends are coming, you'll have a great time". These are but shallow talk skimming the surface of the water like the pebbles your throw to make ripples.

If you are emo-ing:
Don't come looking for me unless I know you well. HAHAHAA.. I wouldn't want to be the next SOS hotline.. I still need to consider the feelings of my phone bill and phone battery. Okok.. just joking. Tip here: Take a deep breath, close your eyes, tell yourself everything will get better and (optional) take a nap. Seems stupid? Well, self-delusion or self-hypnotism is rather useful. Anorexic girls who look in the mirror every day and say to themselves "I am beautiful like this, I do not need to slim down" do end up recovering better. Actually I don't mind lending a listening ear but I can't promise I can always attend to you at that instant. :)