My proudest tears of my deepest pain

During my term in NS, I have come to understand that the night is exceptionally scary, especially when you cannot sleep. Its not because of the darkness and neither is it due to the fear of companions that come from the netherworld. Rather, it is because it is especially lonely. The worse thing is that I live with a bunk-mate yet the loneliness still seeps in to corrode my spirits.

When I'm lonely, I start to think of many many things. Some of these reflections have given me insights that I might only stumble across once in a lifetime, yet there has been one recurring one that never fails to haunt me and the very thought of it brings tears to my eyes. It can be considered my deepest wound. As this blog is pretty much unknown to many, to those that happen to stumble across it, my advice is not to read further.

My deepest wound that never really healed properly is the death of my paternal grandmother. Many a time I have thought of her in camp and I have penned down some of the memories I had of her while streams of tears overflow from my the edges of my eyes uncontrollably. I shan't repeat them but maybe just to put it briefly, she left me with her legacy of unconditional boundless love. And that is why I say, "The deepest love is often crystalised into drops of heart-breaking tears".

People say time can heal all wounds yet why hasn't it healed mine? The waves and waves of pain that this wound subjects me to only increases in intensity as time passes and each time it leaves me drained. The pain has long corroded the last of my defences and that is why I never want to talk about her to others in person for I am dead sure tears will roll.

You might ask me then is it because I am ashamed of my tears? On the contrary, I am very proud of my tears for they serve to remind me that my loves for her has only increased since the time she passed away 9 years ago. Yet, these tears of pride are only meant for her wherever she is just as my greatest love is only meant for her. She will always be the lady I love the most in my entire life and not even my future wife can take her place.