Just as an update, I finally found a way to type chinese on my new laptop so there is a chance that future posts might be in Chinese. Afterall, I'm bilingual!
I like to smile and laugh. That's a fact I love to share. I have always believed that smiles and laughter are contagious and it would be my pleasure to spread the joy around. Because I am a simple person to the point that some people coin "naive", the simplest of things are enough to provide me with at least short-term joy. What do I mean? Hmm.... just receiving a sms from my friend Alex telling me that he received my cake and he likes it was enough to make my day and keep me happy! I really could understand the meaning of 施比受,更有福.
Because I often laugh and smile in a silly manner for no reason, many people can get the chance to laugh at my silliness which is COOL because then they are able to laugh too. Some people told me they like my laughter which I feel very consoled. But at the end of the day, below all that smile and laughter, I am still human. As often as I laugh myself silly, I am also enveloped in sorrow and melancholy. Yet when I am encased in the cocoon of the latter, I still have to plaster on a smile so that the people around me don't get affected and so that they can still see the laughter they like.
Haiz.... sometimes I really feel very tired. When the smiles and laughter do not come deep from the heart, I often feel a bolt of sadness right after the laughter. As tears threaten to mar the mood of others, I have but only the choice of masking them with even greater laughter. My smiles, laughter and joy are to be shared yet my sorrow, melancholy and tears are for me alone. I have tried my best never to let my tears see any other person besides myself for the simple reason that I don't have the right to do so. What right do I have, to mar the mood of those I hold close to heart with my pitiful tears of sorrow. I have none.
Yet in the deep recesses of my soul, in a long-forgotton corner of my heart, there is a voice hoping that one day, I can have someone I can cry to. Someone who doesn't need to say a word and just watch me cry. Someone I can hug and borrow a shoulder to wet with my tears. But I know the fufilment of such as akin to Martin Luther King (Jr)'s speech --- "I have a dream". Well, never mind, in the mean while, I will just have to plaster back on my smile and laughter and continue to bring joy to others before one day I get too tired to smile and laugh any more. Then, I will withdraw back into my cocoon of sorrow and melancholy in cold, harsh solitude.
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Birthdays
Alas, its strange how I have many friends who are born in the month of May and each of them I hold so dear to heart. There's Joab on the 21st, Wah Toon and Wah Kiat on the 25th and Alex on the 28th. With the exception of Joab (cos I just got to know him), I didn't manage to get the others prezzies last year. For Toon and Kiat it was because I didn't get the opportunity to meet up with them and for Alex, by the time I knew him his birthday was over. All this was quite a regret but luckily this year I managed to get them something.
For Joab, I got him some chocolates because I don't really know what he likes and getting him too big a gift when we just know each other might freak him out. For Alex, I got him a 1/2kg cake delivered to his house on 27th. Haiz... but I didn't know he was holding a Birthday Party on the 23rd. He would already have a large large cake to enjoy so I guess mine is really very extra... Hopefully he doesn't find eating mine too much a burden. Haha. For Toon and Kiat, the twins I've known for 8 years, I got them a custom-made "gift-box shape" 2kg chocolate cake. That should last them for a while.....Haha. But I am really a silly boy. I already planned this from last year so when I was applying for my army computer card and needed a referee, I purposely asked for Alex's and the twin's address. But just when I was delighting in the upcoming surprise, I suddenly realised that I had to ensure there was someone at home that day to receive it. Damn! In the end I still had to reveal it just that they don't know its a cake. Though my pocket is burnt through (The 2kg cake especially was $90), but at least I'm glad I am able to get them something this year. Afterall, birthdays are special and I want them to know they too are special to me. Thanks for having been my friends!
Haiz.... "Birthdays are special" and how true this is. The reason why I never forget my friends' birthdays stem from my own desires. Somehow, I have started to place what I desire onto my friends. Birthday as the name suggests celebrates the day a person is born, but more importantly, it recognises the person's existence as a source of joy and happiness to others. Because you made a difference in the lives of others that's why people want you to be "Happy" on that day. And the reason why others give you presents on your birthday is not because they want to add on to your inventory but rather to let you know how much you mean to them.
I vividly remember the day of my 18th birthday. To many, it is a day of joy and happiness. But to me, that day was an unfortunate memory I have to carry. Nobody in my family remembered my birthday on that day. If you think the Dixon you know isn't silly enough, wait till you hear this. That day, I waited long and hard for my sister and my parents to come home. I pretended that it was just any other day. But deep down, I was hoping that they would suddenly turn around and whisper to me a "Happy Birthday!" That was all I needed to make my day, no presents were required. Slowly, time passed and when it was 10pm, I could no longer withstand sitting alongside them. I gave an excuse of being tired and retired early for the night but there was no way I could sleep. I lay quietly on my bed, staring at the digital clock in front of me. Time passed....10.30pm......11.00 pm.......11.30pm.....With every half hour, my heart wrenched with pain. My rational mind told myself that most probably they had a really busy and tired day so they forgot, its not their fault. Yet deep down, I was still hoping that any moment they would pop into my room and "surprise" me with a "Happy Birthday!"
11.59pm. My heart raced faster than a F1 racing car and my hopes started to dwindle by the second. On one side I knew all was lost but yet I still prayed fervently that a miracle would happen. Then, the clock struck 12.00am. The moment the time turned 12, tears trickled down the side of my face. I slowly wiped off my tears with my hands and turned around. I could no longer face the clock. As tears caressed me softly and I drifted off to sleep, I could only whisper to myself "Happy Birthday Dixon".
You could ask why then didn't I just tell them outright. But to me, that no longer had any meaning. I'd rather accept the fact that I'm negligible than create an illusion that I am not. I have long grown past the age of caring about presents. All I long for every year is just a simple sms and that is all it needs to make my day.
It is basically this reason why I don't want others to feel even the slightest pain I went through. I want my friends to know that they are ALL special, if not to anybody, it is to me. Even if I'm not at all special to them.
I have a BMT section mate called Yu Heng and I know you are most probably the only one who is so free to come and stalk this place. I really HATE talking to him. Why? Because he can always see through me. He always knows what I really want and he always knows when I'm really sad. Though he has never seen me cry, he knows when I'm about to. In front of him, I feel that I am being stripped piece by piece. Though he is very egoistic, always boasting that I can never forget him and I really shouldn't feed his ego any further but I really have to say, he is correct. I can really never forget him. Just like how I can never forget any of my friends I hold so dear to my heart. Between me and all my friends lays a pair of binoculars. From the side I am looking through, each and every one of them are big. Yet I know from the side they are looking through, I am but a minute figure.
For Joab, I got him some chocolates because I don't really know what he likes and getting him too big a gift when we just know each other might freak him out. For Alex, I got him a 1/2kg cake delivered to his house on 27th. Haiz... but I didn't know he was holding a Birthday Party on the 23rd. He would already have a large large cake to enjoy so I guess mine is really very extra... Hopefully he doesn't find eating mine too much a burden. Haha. For Toon and Kiat, the twins I've known for 8 years, I got them a custom-made "gift-box shape" 2kg chocolate cake. That should last them for a while.....Haha. But I am really a silly boy. I already planned this from last year so when I was applying for my army computer card and needed a referee, I purposely asked for Alex's and the twin's address. But just when I was delighting in the upcoming surprise, I suddenly realised that I had to ensure there was someone at home that day to receive it. Damn! In the end I still had to reveal it just that they don't know its a cake. Though my pocket is burnt through (The 2kg cake especially was $90), but at least I'm glad I am able to get them something this year. Afterall, birthdays are special and I want them to know they too are special to me. Thanks for having been my friends!
Haiz.... "Birthdays are special" and how true this is. The reason why I never forget my friends' birthdays stem from my own desires. Somehow, I have started to place what I desire onto my friends. Birthday as the name suggests celebrates the day a person is born, but more importantly, it recognises the person's existence as a source of joy and happiness to others. Because you made a difference in the lives of others that's why people want you to be "Happy" on that day. And the reason why others give you presents on your birthday is not because they want to add on to your inventory but rather to let you know how much you mean to them.
I vividly remember the day of my 18th birthday. To many, it is a day of joy and happiness. But to me, that day was an unfortunate memory I have to carry. Nobody in my family remembered my birthday on that day. If you think the Dixon you know isn't silly enough, wait till you hear this. That day, I waited long and hard for my sister and my parents to come home. I pretended that it was just any other day. But deep down, I was hoping that they would suddenly turn around and whisper to me a "Happy Birthday!" That was all I needed to make my day, no presents were required. Slowly, time passed and when it was 10pm, I could no longer withstand sitting alongside them. I gave an excuse of being tired and retired early for the night but there was no way I could sleep. I lay quietly on my bed, staring at the digital clock in front of me. Time passed....10.30pm......11.00 pm.......11.30pm.....With every half hour, my heart wrenched with pain. My rational mind told myself that most probably they had a really busy and tired day so they forgot, its not their fault. Yet deep down, I was still hoping that any moment they would pop into my room and "surprise" me with a "Happy Birthday!"
11.59pm. My heart raced faster than a F1 racing car and my hopes started to dwindle by the second. On one side I knew all was lost but yet I still prayed fervently that a miracle would happen. Then, the clock struck 12.00am. The moment the time turned 12, tears trickled down the side of my face. I slowly wiped off my tears with my hands and turned around. I could no longer face the clock. As tears caressed me softly and I drifted off to sleep, I could only whisper to myself "Happy Birthday Dixon".
You could ask why then didn't I just tell them outright. But to me, that no longer had any meaning. I'd rather accept the fact that I'm negligible than create an illusion that I am not. I have long grown past the age of caring about presents. All I long for every year is just a simple sms and that is all it needs to make my day.
It is basically this reason why I don't want others to feel even the slightest pain I went through. I want my friends to know that they are ALL special, if not to anybody, it is to me. Even if I'm not at all special to them.
I have a BMT section mate called Yu Heng and I know you are most probably the only one who is so free to come and stalk this place. I really HATE talking to him. Why? Because he can always see through me. He always knows what I really want and he always knows when I'm really sad. Though he has never seen me cry, he knows when I'm about to. In front of him, I feel that I am being stripped piece by piece. Though he is very egoistic, always boasting that I can never forget him and I really shouldn't feed his ego any further but I really have to say, he is correct. I can really never forget him. Just like how I can never forget any of my friends I hold so dear to my heart. Between me and all my friends lays a pair of binoculars. From the side I am looking through, each and every one of them are big. Yet I know from the side they are looking through, I am but a minute figure.
Monday, May 18, 2009
My choice of pain and tears
Life has been a long, long operation and this surgery began when I became conscious of what was happening around me. I was injected with anaesthesia when it began and slowly, the doctor began cutting me apart. Inch by inch, the glowing sharp scalpel carved into me and crimson red blood began to flow out of the incision.
Yet, when I was young, I was still under the influence of anaesthesia and there was no pain. Why? Because I spent my days getting into naughty acts, playing and not once was I really conscious of what was really happening. I was asleep. Peacefully resting in deep slumber.
However, slowly the clock turned to when I was 16. It was then that I told myself I had to change for the better. Yet, what I did not know was that with such a resolution came a hefty price. Slowly, the anaesthesia wore out and the sleeping patient awoke.
I started to change. I began to put others before myself and compromising to make others happy. My world no longer revolved around myself but around the happiness of others. When others were happy, I would be thrilled. When others were sad, I would be dejected. Then I began to do silly things. I would constantly think of how to make others happy but little did I know that bit by bit, I was losing myself. I used to be an arrogant performer, gracing the stage and flaunting what I had or had not. Yet, slowly I was reduced to an audience, to watch the shows of others and accord them the applause of encouragement.
I began to serve others and sometimes I even remarked at how selfless I had became. But deep inside, I knew I was dead selfish. Everybody has a motive for doing something, something they want to gain. To some, it may be money or fame but for me, I always went the extra mile for gratitude. I longed for the simplest "Thank you" for it was akin to a rainbow brightening up the sky. There are people whom I hold close to the heart yet deep down I know I do not have the same position in theirs. I thought I didn't mind for it was their happiness that mattered, but deep down inside it hurt so badly.
The operation is on-going and the anaesthesia has worn out. Every moment brings to me waves of pain and tears that threaten to obliterate me. I might have gotten used to the pain over the years but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any more. Now, I can only hope some kind soul can stitch me up and bring me relief to the screaming pain.
Yet, when I was young, I was still under the influence of anaesthesia and there was no pain. Why? Because I spent my days getting into naughty acts, playing and not once was I really conscious of what was really happening. I was asleep. Peacefully resting in deep slumber.
However, slowly the clock turned to when I was 16. It was then that I told myself I had to change for the better. Yet, what I did not know was that with such a resolution came a hefty price. Slowly, the anaesthesia wore out and the sleeping patient awoke.
I started to change. I began to put others before myself and compromising to make others happy. My world no longer revolved around myself but around the happiness of others. When others were happy, I would be thrilled. When others were sad, I would be dejected. Then I began to do silly things. I would constantly think of how to make others happy but little did I know that bit by bit, I was losing myself. I used to be an arrogant performer, gracing the stage and flaunting what I had or had not. Yet, slowly I was reduced to an audience, to watch the shows of others and accord them the applause of encouragement.
I began to serve others and sometimes I even remarked at how selfless I had became. But deep inside, I knew I was dead selfish. Everybody has a motive for doing something, something they want to gain. To some, it may be money or fame but for me, I always went the extra mile for gratitude. I longed for the simplest "Thank you" for it was akin to a rainbow brightening up the sky. There are people whom I hold close to the heart yet deep down I know I do not have the same position in theirs. I thought I didn't mind for it was their happiness that mattered, but deep down inside it hurt so badly.
The operation is on-going and the anaesthesia has worn out. Every moment brings to me waves of pain and tears that threaten to obliterate me. I might have gotten used to the pain over the years but that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt any more. Now, I can only hope some kind soul can stitch me up and bring me relief to the screaming pain.
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