Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Friends vs Acquaintances, Frog vs Toad
It has been said that no man is an island and indeed, we are but a thread woven into the fabric of the society. As such, the fellow threads that reside beside us along with those that cross our paths are given special consideration over those that just remotely line the corners. The term "Friend" has been used countless times for this group of people but how many really know the words they use? A friend is one you place close to heart, someone you want to talk to, a person who you are willing to sacrifice for. For others, I recommend the term "Acquaintance". The difference between "friend" and "acquaintance" is just like the difference between a frog and a toad. They appear to be the same and in actual fact they are greatly similar but they are in essence still two different entities. Maybe its time I re-define the parameters and accord people their proper names.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Time for solitude
Maybe its time I left things as they were and not try to change things. I'm tired.. maybe its time I rest.. yes.. I think I need rest. I don't know what to say, maybe just some solitude to heal..
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Topone KTV
I went to TopOne KTV at Bugis on Friday and overall it was quite a worthwhile experience. It costs $18 nett per person from 11am to 5.50pm with free flow ice drinks. Though the ice drinks weren't exactly that tasty and they were like thos from SAF, it was overall still considered worthwhile comparing the number of hours to the price. Beware, personally I feel only the mango and fruit punch is drinkable. The ice lemon tea is totally WEIRD.. I think my voice went into fatigue mode after that.. Haha.. Well, hope to be able to go singing with friends more often after my voice regains its energy. WAKAKAKA
Friday, November 6, 2009
Intermission story
Hmm.. I really dunno if I should continue the story since it is so easily guessable.. I am really not suitable to be a scriptwriter. Well, in the mean time I thought I would insert an intermission piece. This piece is not really a story by itself and it is even shorter than the previous ones I wrote. It is more of a piece describing a feeling. Purely fictional as always and for your comments.
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As the clock ticked like drops of water from a leaking tap, I slowly tilted my head towards the magenta calendar on the wall. 7 days. 7 days have passed. Just as slowly, I lowered my head back into the deafening silence that surrounded me. A tiny droplet of crimson fluid made its way unto my pale white hand creating a horrifying contrast of colours. I knew I was yet again consumed into everything, everything that had happened 7 days ago.
The details of what happened no longer held significance as the outcome overshadowed everything in all of its intensity. I had lost my mother to a traffic accident and it was because she wanted to protect me. Whether it was a car or a truck, whether she was hit from the left or from the right, all these no longer mattered. At least to me it didn't.
From the moment she was robbed of her last breath I knew only grief and sorrow would be my dearest companions in the days to come. I never thought of her as everything, yet at that moment, I felt as though I had nothing left. My soul was fragmented, shattered, obliterated. She was the frame supporting me in all good and bad times and as this frame dissolved, so did I.
I did not need to cry. Afterall, tears just seemed to stream down and it was beyond my control. The emptiness within me began to eat into me. It was like a wound that festered or a parasite that was consuming the very essence of me. I seemed to be contained in a blue bubble of sorrow so much that physical human desires did not seem to plague me. The basic hunger, thirst and sleep seemed to know that my soul was too busy with other matters and they took a long deserved break.
My tanned skin began to turn a ghastly white and all life seemed to have been sucked out of me. Everything grinded to a halt and soon I only knew that I had no more tears to shed. Blood seemed to have taken its place readily and there was little I could do to remedy it. People said losing someone important was painful but I touched my heart and asked "Where is the pain?" I no longer had a soul to allow for the manifestation of pain. I longed to ache and to hurt yet all I had was a harrowing emptiness.
Yet, if things were to happen again I would still choose the same ending. This emptiness was not one I could bear to let my mother undergo. I knew just as she was what I lived for, I held the same if not a higher level of importance in her life. The more I was consumed into grief, the more I was thankful that my mother wasn't the one left behind to undergo all this. She didn't deserve to suffer this emptiness. No one deserved to suffer this be it the greatest criminal on earth. Yet if there was someone who had to I'd rather the person be me. Thank you God for saving my mother from this. Thank you.
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Remember, it is always the living who pains and not the dead. Grieving is never an easy process and I hope courage will be with all who have to undergo such pain.
_______________________________________________
As the clock ticked like drops of water from a leaking tap, I slowly tilted my head towards the magenta calendar on the wall. 7 days. 7 days have passed. Just as slowly, I lowered my head back into the deafening silence that surrounded me. A tiny droplet of crimson fluid made its way unto my pale white hand creating a horrifying contrast of colours. I knew I was yet again consumed into everything, everything that had happened 7 days ago.
The details of what happened no longer held significance as the outcome overshadowed everything in all of its intensity. I had lost my mother to a traffic accident and it was because she wanted to protect me. Whether it was a car or a truck, whether she was hit from the left or from the right, all these no longer mattered. At least to me it didn't.
From the moment she was robbed of her last breath I knew only grief and sorrow would be my dearest companions in the days to come. I never thought of her as everything, yet at that moment, I felt as though I had nothing left. My soul was fragmented, shattered, obliterated. She was the frame supporting me in all good and bad times and as this frame dissolved, so did I.
I did not need to cry. Afterall, tears just seemed to stream down and it was beyond my control. The emptiness within me began to eat into me. It was like a wound that festered or a parasite that was consuming the very essence of me. I seemed to be contained in a blue bubble of sorrow so much that physical human desires did not seem to plague me. The basic hunger, thirst and sleep seemed to know that my soul was too busy with other matters and they took a long deserved break.
My tanned skin began to turn a ghastly white and all life seemed to have been sucked out of me. Everything grinded to a halt and soon I only knew that I had no more tears to shed. Blood seemed to have taken its place readily and there was little I could do to remedy it. People said losing someone important was painful but I touched my heart and asked "Where is the pain?" I no longer had a soul to allow for the manifestation of pain. I longed to ache and to hurt yet all I had was a harrowing emptiness.
Yet, if things were to happen again I would still choose the same ending. This emptiness was not one I could bear to let my mother undergo. I knew just as she was what I lived for, I held the same if not a higher level of importance in her life. The more I was consumed into grief, the more I was thankful that my mother wasn't the one left behind to undergo all this. She didn't deserve to suffer this emptiness. No one deserved to suffer this be it the greatest criminal on earth. Yet if there was someone who had to I'd rather the person be me. Thank you God for saving my mother from this. Thank you.
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Remember, it is always the living who pains and not the dead. Grieving is never an easy process and I hope courage will be with all who have to undergo such pain.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Trial Test for Story
I've thought long and hard and I found that so far I am only able to write short stories, then I thought maybe I'd challenge a lengthier one, one that would come in parts, maybe like a serial. I've a feeling it isn't going to be nice but here goes...
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Just as the dark figure was about to corner her, Carol jolted awake from her sleep. Luckily it was just a nightmare but it was strange how she had not had this particular one for a period of time and that it had recurred. Tilting her head towards the wall-clock, it was already 6am in the morning. She thought she might as well forget going back to sleep and climbed up from my bed out of her room.
Creeping silently into her parents' room, she quietly turned off her mother's alarm clock and just as stealthily exited the parameters. Carol could never really bear having her mother wake up so early just to make breakfast for she and her brother. Having to work was already tiring enough and she definitely needed as much rest as she could get. After Carol took a bath to clean herself from the perspiration her nightmare gave her, she prepared breakfast for her younger brother and herself just as quietly as though she was afraid of waking the family up. When the clock struck 6.30am, she woke her brother up and prepared both of them for a fresh new day of school.
School was always something Carol enjoyed be it the teachers, the lessons or the friends but maybe exams fared a bit lesser on that scale. Always equipped with a bright cheery smile, she was always ready to make the start of the day wonderful for her friends. Carol was in secondary 3 and she was glad she didn't have to be stuck in the whirlpool of O' level preparations and studying. She had the luxury of participating in her CCA, chilling out with her friends and just enjoying the fresh air. It was as though she could have her cake and eat it.
She had a really really good friend who was in the same CCA, badminton, as her. Well, at least this friend considered herself to be Carol's best friend. This person was Yue Tong, a bubbly girl from China who had the defect of a short tongue which caused her to fumble a little with words. She considered herself Carol's best friend and being the kind soul, Carol was never cruel enough to refute that.
Well, it so happened that Yue Tong was pre-occupied with other commitments that day and she had to go for badminton practice alone. So instead of her usual pairing with Yue Tong, today she was paired by the coach with a guy called Zine. Zine wasn't exactly the very sociable type. In fact, he preferred indulging in solitude and rarely spoke to others. So though he did have charming looks, he wasn't a favourite with most of the school-mates. But Carol thought "It's only a badminton practice, it can't be that bad" and well, it didn't turn out that bad either.
As time slowly passed, it soon came to the end of badminton practice and Carol began to make her way home. As she took the usual path home, she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her abdomen and the pain was so unbearable that she had to bend over. It so happened that Zine was on his way home too and seeing that there was something strange with Carol, he approached her to take a closer look. However, when he saw a stream of blood streaking Carol's leg, he got more than he expected.
"Oh my god, you are bleeding Carol! Are you injured? What happened? Do I need to call 995?" A quick barrage of questions flooded the pain-stricken Carol which did not really suit his usual cool image. Forcing a smile out from her pale-white face, Carol just uttered "Don't be silly, its just what girls have every month and I didn't expect it to come today, it's nothing"
Well, if a girl said that there is little that a guy can do except be embarassed and considering Zine's character, it was no wonder that he began to blush. Putting aside his embarassment, he still thought Carol wasn't in that good a state. "You still need a hospital in this state even if it is just ... just.. that.. so don't argue and I'll get you there". Supporting Carol, the two of them made their way to a nearby hospital to seek medical attention for this poor girl who had a more painful than normal period.
As Carol was being attended to at the A&E, Zine could only anxiously wait outside. After a while, two nurses came out of the area Carol was and started gossiping. Yet, what he heard was definitely more than what he had expected for a routine day of school.
"What are teenagers coming to, 15 years old and already not a virgin"
To be continued.....
__________________________________
Just as the dark figure was about to corner her, Carol jolted awake from her sleep. Luckily it was just a nightmare but it was strange how she had not had this particular one for a period of time and that it had recurred. Tilting her head towards the wall-clock, it was already 6am in the morning. She thought she might as well forget going back to sleep and climbed up from my bed out of her room.
Creeping silently into her parents' room, she quietly turned off her mother's alarm clock and just as stealthily exited the parameters. Carol could never really bear having her mother wake up so early just to make breakfast for she and her brother. Having to work was already tiring enough and she definitely needed as much rest as she could get. After Carol took a bath to clean herself from the perspiration her nightmare gave her, she prepared breakfast for her younger brother and herself just as quietly as though she was afraid of waking the family up. When the clock struck 6.30am, she woke her brother up and prepared both of them for a fresh new day of school.
School was always something Carol enjoyed be it the teachers, the lessons or the friends but maybe exams fared a bit lesser on that scale. Always equipped with a bright cheery smile, she was always ready to make the start of the day wonderful for her friends. Carol was in secondary 3 and she was glad she didn't have to be stuck in the whirlpool of O' level preparations and studying. She had the luxury of participating in her CCA, chilling out with her friends and just enjoying the fresh air. It was as though she could have her cake and eat it.
She had a really really good friend who was in the same CCA, badminton, as her. Well, at least this friend considered herself to be Carol's best friend. This person was Yue Tong, a bubbly girl from China who had the defect of a short tongue which caused her to fumble a little with words. She considered herself Carol's best friend and being the kind soul, Carol was never cruel enough to refute that.
Well, it so happened that Yue Tong was pre-occupied with other commitments that day and she had to go for badminton practice alone. So instead of her usual pairing with Yue Tong, today she was paired by the coach with a guy called Zine. Zine wasn't exactly the very sociable type. In fact, he preferred indulging in solitude and rarely spoke to others. So though he did have charming looks, he wasn't a favourite with most of the school-mates. But Carol thought "It's only a badminton practice, it can't be that bad" and well, it didn't turn out that bad either.
As time slowly passed, it soon came to the end of badminton practice and Carol began to make her way home. As she took the usual path home, she suddenly felt a sharp pain in her abdomen and the pain was so unbearable that she had to bend over. It so happened that Zine was on his way home too and seeing that there was something strange with Carol, he approached her to take a closer look. However, when he saw a stream of blood streaking Carol's leg, he got more than he expected.
"Oh my god, you are bleeding Carol! Are you injured? What happened? Do I need to call 995?" A quick barrage of questions flooded the pain-stricken Carol which did not really suit his usual cool image. Forcing a smile out from her pale-white face, Carol just uttered "Don't be silly, its just what girls have every month and I didn't expect it to come today, it's nothing"
Well, if a girl said that there is little that a guy can do except be embarassed and considering Zine's character, it was no wonder that he began to blush. Putting aside his embarassment, he still thought Carol wasn't in that good a state. "You still need a hospital in this state even if it is just ... just.. that.. so don't argue and I'll get you there". Supporting Carol, the two of them made their way to a nearby hospital to seek medical attention for this poor girl who had a more painful than normal period.
As Carol was being attended to at the A&E, Zine could only anxiously wait outside. After a while, two nurses came out of the area Carol was and started gossiping. Yet, what he heard was definitely more than what he had expected for a routine day of school.
"What are teenagers coming to, 15 years old and already not a virgin"
To be continued.....
Friday, October 23, 2009
Happy Birthday to Me
OMGOMGOMG... I'm so thrilled this year with the influx of birthday greetings.. Must be the work of facebook.. Haha.. But aside from all the facebook greetings I got, would still like to thank those who sent me a sms.. haha.. Let me see if I can list them:
Hans: first person.. when I was sleeping...
Khairuzzaman: and yes... I was STILL sleeping
Zac a.k.a teddy: Please please focus on your studies... you got so many projects
Songhua: thanks for the cake, take care for your dental extraction
Eugene Goh: Big surprise! Haven't heard from you in ages
Edwin: Thanks so much for the greeting when you are so busy and tired already
Yuheng: who called, haha, its nice hearing your voice and greeting.
Louis: Must take care for your upcoming US trip
Amos a.k.a Cookie: School work school work.. dun slack hor
Yang Fan: I shan't bother to write too much cos your era of technology won't bring you here
Vincent Bai: Thanks but just focus on your studies.. Haha
And of course there is Bernard but I know its just because you are in Brunei.. Must take care!
And this doesn't mean those who sent a greeting on facebook are any less sincere.. I love all of them.. Went out in the afternoon with songhua for lunch but too bad he had a dental extraction so he had to watch me eat.. then he surprised me with a cake! Thanks loads! Then went home had a nap and then it was steamboat dinner and a cake bought by my sis! But she fell down on the way home... so heart pain... she shouldn't have go and buy the cake.. being safe is most important. Luckily she isn't hurt if not how much b'day greeting also wun make me happy. Though this birthday wasn't very eventful but I feel very blessed to have so many people send me greetings. I will definitely remember this day! T-H-A-N-K-S!
Hans: first person.. when I was sleeping...
Khairuzzaman: and yes... I was STILL sleeping
Zac a.k.a teddy: Please please focus on your studies... you got so many projects
Songhua: thanks for the cake, take care for your dental extraction
Eugene Goh: Big surprise! Haven't heard from you in ages
Edwin: Thanks so much for the greeting when you are so busy and tired already
Yuheng: who called, haha, its nice hearing your voice and greeting.
Louis: Must take care for your upcoming US trip
Amos a.k.a Cookie: School work school work.. dun slack hor
Yang Fan: I shan't bother to write too much cos your era of technology won't bring you here
Vincent Bai: Thanks but just focus on your studies.. Haha
And of course there is Bernard but I know its just because you are in Brunei.. Must take care!
And this doesn't mean those who sent a greeting on facebook are any less sincere.. I love all of them.. Went out in the afternoon with songhua for lunch but too bad he had a dental extraction so he had to watch me eat.. then he surprised me with a cake! Thanks loads! Then went home had a nap and then it was steamboat dinner and a cake bought by my sis! But she fell down on the way home... so heart pain... she shouldn't have go and buy the cake.. being safe is most important. Luckily she isn't hurt if not how much b'day greeting also wun make me happy. Though this birthday wasn't very eventful but I feel very blessed to have so many people send me greetings. I will definitely remember this day! T-H-A-N-K-S!
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
Laptop Down & New Skin
Haiz.. My Laptop is currently down and gone for repair.. Now I'm using an interim one that isn't really that useable.. Life becomes boring without my laptop... Oh yes, and I just changed my blog skin, hope its nice.. Seeing how to make it better
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Lost
Somehow, I feel like I got hit by a tornado and I am stranded somewhere that is not anywhere near familiar. I'm ... Lost.. There are so many things my rational side tells me I can be doing. I can be studying to prepare myself for my university education, I could be exercising to break some sweat and burn some calories or I could find ways to be closer to my family and friends. Yet somehow I have no idea why my motivation to do any of those are totally burnt out. Every day I am bored stiff yet I have no motivation to occupy myself with something. Maybe I'll list down some things I should be doing but I am not so if I come across this again, I hopefully will try to do them.
1) Revise my english and mathematics for university next year
2) Prepare birthday presents for my friends who have upcoming birthdays.. of course this is minus some egoistic guy called Y H Quah cos he doesn't need it.. Already got Zac's one, sort of know what to get for Bernard just need to remember to get it when the time comes, Sis one is unknown yet. Haiz..
3)Erm.. maybe give tuition if anybody got lobang..
4) Settle my relief teaching stuff
5) Maybe exercise a little
1) Revise my english and mathematics for university next year
2) Prepare birthday presents for my friends who have upcoming birthdays.. of course this is minus some egoistic guy called Y H Quah cos he doesn't need it.. Already got Zac's one, sort of know what to get for Bernard just need to remember to get it when the time comes, Sis one is unknown yet. Haiz..
3)Erm.. maybe give tuition if anybody got lobang..
4) Settle my relief teaching stuff
5) Maybe exercise a little
Thursday, October 8, 2009
The codewords of love
Some time ago a couple I know got into some argument and nearly broke up. Luckily everything worked out well in the end and they patched up but something in this struck me. Sometimes, things we say when in a relationship holds another meaning. Everything is about a different perspective. For example:
"I'm sorry" - It doesn't mean I'm wrong, it just means I care too much about you to risk this relationship.
Get the meaning? Sometimes one party in a relationship starts getting jealous but it just means the person cares so much about the other. When you are able to see through it and get the real meaning will you be able to appreciate the intents. But even so, words are still a powerful tool and be very careful on how you use them. Never use your mouth to hurt others but only to say "I love you".
I've been trying to help them see things in another perspective and hopefully things for them will only get better. Then I'll be really happy for them. May they be blessed in whatever they do.
"I'm sorry" - It doesn't mean I'm wrong, it just means I care too much about you to risk this relationship.
Get the meaning? Sometimes one party in a relationship starts getting jealous but it just means the person cares so much about the other. When you are able to see through it and get the real meaning will you be able to appreciate the intents. But even so, words are still a powerful tool and be very careful on how you use them. Never use your mouth to hurt others but only to say "I love you".
I've been trying to help them see things in another perspective and hopefully things for them will only get better. Then I'll be really happy for them. May they be blessed in whatever they do.
Everything is forgiveable when you are cute
I was on the bus back from meeting a friend when a pair of mother and son boarded the bus. The son was pre-primary school age probably 3-5 years old and was as normal boys are - hyperactive. Fiddling with a blown-up ball (those type like beach balls) and other things like pencils and such, he was standing on the bus seats, moving all around and to a certain extent disturbing others.
However, strangely nobody seemed to take offence including me. The boy was really cute and even when he was making a nuisance of himself nobody felt it was offending. All that we could feel is that he is just a little kid wanting to have fun. Just when I thought this was the case, another thought struck me. Sometimes we would see "nuisance kids" on public transport like bus or MRT and we would have the strong urge to give them a slap when they really get on our nerves. Yet why did everything this boy do seem alright?
Therefore the almighty conclusion is: Everything is forgiveable when you are cute. HAHAHA
However, strangely nobody seemed to take offence including me. The boy was really cute and even when he was making a nuisance of himself nobody felt it was offending. All that we could feel is that he is just a little kid wanting to have fun. Just when I thought this was the case, another thought struck me. Sometimes we would see "nuisance kids" on public transport like bus or MRT and we would have the strong urge to give them a slap when they really get on our nerves. Yet why did everything this boy do seem alright?
Therefore the almighty conclusion is: Everything is forgiveable when you are cute. HAHAHA
Saturday, October 3, 2009
Chicken Soup for the Mother and Son Soul
Recently, I've been devoting some of my free time to reading a book titled "Chicken Soup for the Mother and Son Soul". Every story is ever so fascinating and inspirational that it pushes me to read the next. Recounts of copious mother & son love flood the pages and touching is but an understatement penned to it.
As I close the book, saving some for another day, I am also tempted to recount a moment that best encapsulates my love for my mother or vice versa. I wanted to have an incident that I could proudly show how much my mum loved me or I loved her. Yet, almost immediately I knew there was no need for it. I loved her for who she was, my mum, and not what transpired between us. I didn't need a special incident to love her or for her to love me. Love for each other was in who we were.
At that very moment I had the urge to call home or send her a sms telling her how much I loved her or asking her how her overseas trip to US was. Yet, being raised in a traditional Asian family has its limitations. The words of love Americans so freely express would put both of us in an awkard situation. So for now, all I can do is be glad of my renewed love for her and keep it in my heart. Hopefully she feels my love and maybe she really can. Afterall there is always a strange unexplainable bond between mothers and sons. I should really do more for her. Somehow she seemed to have slipped in my rankings of priorities. I must remind myself she is and always will be ever so important to me!!
A dedication to Mum..
As I close the book, saving some for another day, I am also tempted to recount a moment that best encapsulates my love for my mother or vice versa. I wanted to have an incident that I could proudly show how much my mum loved me or I loved her. Yet, almost immediately I knew there was no need for it. I loved her for who she was, my mum, and not what transpired between us. I didn't need a special incident to love her or for her to love me. Love for each other was in who we were.
At that very moment I had the urge to call home or send her a sms telling her how much I loved her or asking her how her overseas trip to US was. Yet, being raised in a traditional Asian family has its limitations. The words of love Americans so freely express would put both of us in an awkard situation. So for now, all I can do is be glad of my renewed love for her and keep it in my heart. Hopefully she feels my love and maybe she really can. Afterall there is always a strange unexplainable bond between mothers and sons. I should really do more for her. Somehow she seemed to have slipped in my rankings of priorities. I must remind myself she is and always will be ever so important to me!!
A dedication to Mum..
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Children and the simplest laughter
I happened to be at Bugis Junction about a week ago and was waiting for my friend. As I waited for his arrival, I just sat down beside the fountain listening to songs serenading out from my MP5. This fountain always had throngs of children frolicking in the water and that day was no exception. Yet another revelation was to be bestowed upon me from an everyday scene.
As the children that ranged from toddlers to primary school age ran in and out of the fountain, their laughter resonated throughout the air. They did not bother whether their clothes were wet or whether they would slip and fall. All they were interested in was the happiness that moment could give them. As I fixated my gaze on these little children, I subconsciously started to smile to myself. Just as I started to think I was being silly, I looked around and found that I wasn't an exception. Everyone was smiling and laughing at the children including foreigners who walked past. I knew laughter was contagious but I never knew it could be on such a large scale.
What everyone saw was an innocence that was left behind when they grew up and it was this innocence that thrilled them. After we have grown up, how many of us would be willing to run in and out of the fountain being drenched and risking the looks of others. When we become too conscious of how others view us, we are no longer willing to reach out for simple things that promise simple happiness. I'm glad I've seen this innocence and though I know I have sacrificed it for growing up, its still heartening to see its manifestation on others.
As the children that ranged from toddlers to primary school age ran in and out of the fountain, their laughter resonated throughout the air. They did not bother whether their clothes were wet or whether they would slip and fall. All they were interested in was the happiness that moment could give them. As I fixated my gaze on these little children, I subconsciously started to smile to myself. Just as I started to think I was being silly, I looked around and found that I wasn't an exception. Everyone was smiling and laughing at the children including foreigners who walked past. I knew laughter was contagious but I never knew it could be on such a large scale.
What everyone saw was an innocence that was left behind when they grew up and it was this innocence that thrilled them. After we have grown up, how many of us would be willing to run in and out of the fountain being drenched and risking the looks of others. When we become too conscious of how others view us, we are no longer willing to reach out for simple things that promise simple happiness. I'm glad I've seen this innocence and though I know I have sacrificed it for growing up, its still heartening to see its manifestation on others.
Friday, September 18, 2009
One and a half weeks without Mum
Mum just flew off today to US for her annual GSTA meeting. She'll be gone for one and a half weeks. Though I didn't send her off, I wrote her a note reminding her to bring her boarding pass and passport and to take care. The greatest present she could give me for this trip was to be back safe and healthy. Yup, that's all I hope for.
Haven't been in the mood for writing for some time or partially it is the lack of inspiration. I don't like to write for the sake of writing. If I want to write a story, it must be one that touches me so if inspiration doesn't want to bestow its grace on me I'll put writing on hold. Maybe I'll just update how I'm doing in the mean while.
Hmm... Jin-E's birthday is coming up so I'm going on a date with him this upcoming Monday (I know it sounds wrong but I like to use the word date when I go out with anyone be it friend or family). Haha.. he still doesn't know it is for his birthday. He must be wondering why I suddenly ask him out after so long of lost contact. Hopefully everything turns out right, haven't seen him since the last section gathering. Then there is Yu Heng's birthday in November but that is alright.. Hahaha.. Afterall it is not as though I haven't heard his voice for ages.. though not of my own choice.. Haha.. I'll see about that then.. Afterall, it is only September..
Haven't been in the mood for writing for some time or partially it is the lack of inspiration. I don't like to write for the sake of writing. If I want to write a story, it must be one that touches me so if inspiration doesn't want to bestow its grace on me I'll put writing on hold. Maybe I'll just update how I'm doing in the mean while.
Hmm... Jin-E's birthday is coming up so I'm going on a date with him this upcoming Monday (I know it sounds wrong but I like to use the word date when I go out with anyone be it friend or family). Haha.. he still doesn't know it is for his birthday. He must be wondering why I suddenly ask him out after so long of lost contact. Hopefully everything turns out right, haven't seen him since the last section gathering. Then there is Yu Heng's birthday in November but that is alright.. Hahaha.. Afterall it is not as though I haven't heard his voice for ages.. though not of my own choice.. Haha.. I'll see about that then.. Afterall, it is only September..
Saturday, August 29, 2009
Painful chapter
Before I start my next string of ramblings, I would just like to say thanks to everybody who fortunately or unfortunately chances upon my blog and takes some of their time to read it. Though this is more of a platform for me to relief myself of my emotions, I still hope my writings can to a small extent be part of your life. I just added a counter at the side to keep track of how many people pass by but just ignore it. Also, I added my picture not to make the blog prettier (I know I don't look nice) but to let anybody who chances upon this blog at least know who I am. Well, on to my next story.
Rather than say what follows is a story, I would prefer to call it a chapter simply because it is a chapter in my life-book. I have said excerpts from this chapter a few times before on this blog but never the whole of it so I thought it would be good if I could come clean with it. To me, it is the most painful chapter in my life even till now or metaphorically as a human, it is the biggest wound I have that festers even up till today. This chapter is about my paternal grandmother or more affectionately known as Ah Ma.
From the time I was born, I was brought up by my paternal grandmother. My earliest childhood memories were of myself at my grandmother's house playing around with my other cousins. This arrangement was most probably due to my parents' busy work schedule and as such I was given the chance to grow up under the care of Ah Ma. My grandmother wasn't young already then and taking care of a baby was definitely not a easy task. To add on to her burden, I was born not only an extremely mischievous child but also an extremely sickly child. I couldn't eat sweets, chocolates, ice-cream or any cold drinks or you would see a kid coughing so badly you thought he was afflicted with tuberculosis. When I slept, I could not turn on the fans or aircon and had to place a pillow over my chest to keep it warm on top of a blanket. I can't even keep track of how many times I had seen a doctor during my childhood for cough. All this carried on even till my primary school days.
Well, back to where I trailed off ... yes, imagine an old lady looking after a toddler like this. I cannot imagine how much of a burden I was to her during my childhood years. Yet I never once heard her complain that I was a burden to her. She always held that caring and kind expression and looked upon me as though I was her greatest treasure. I just had to say I like popiah and the next day she would trudge down to the wet market and buy bags of ingredients back to make so much popiah my entire family had to eat it for three meals everyday for a week. I even ungratefully used to complain that she was always overdoing it but this was all her way of showing how much she loved me. I was just SOO childish then. I really didn't see it this way, the way I should have seen it.
She loved to make blankets for my entire family. She would often bring me along to a cloth shop and buy bolts of cloth. Then she would cut them up into triangles and sew them back together into a beautiful masterpiece. This would then be sewed onto a piece of velvet and they would be the perfect thing to shield us from the cold. As we used the blankets, they became softer and softer and that made them all the more nicer to use. Each blanket spoke of her hard work, her care for us and her love. All these old blankets were thrown away when I moved house as they were all tattered and torn and how I wish I had left one behind.
Continuing on, my grandma slowly became sickly when I entered primary school. I didn't know what she was down with then. All I knew was that she was sick and as such I rarely got to see her. I knew she was in the hospital often yet I was never brought there to visit her. Then, one faithful day when I was 10 years old, my mum told me that grandma had passed away. At that very instant, I actually didn't feel anything. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen grandma for too long and her sudden absence didn't make any difference. I just acknowledged this reality and prepared myself to attend her wake.
I remember her wake was held at a void deck and when I arrived, I saw some of my cousins sitting on chairs wiping their tears. I thought to myself then that there was really no need to cry so much. However, the greatest mockery happened within minutes as I walked over to the coffin to look at my grandma's body. As I saw grandma's pale body resting inside the coffin, tears just instinctively started dropping. There was no feeling of sadness yet I didn't know why I was crying. Just minutes ago I was thinking that my cousins were over-reacting yet then I was crying uncontrollably. For that day, everytime the image of grandma's body passed through my mind, the tears would magically appear from thin air and make their way down my cheeks.
Yet kids are still kids and they recover very quickly. The next day I was up and cheery again even playing carom with my cousins as the wake grew "boring" for me. My aunt then walked over to me and passed me a bowl of spare ribs cooked in some reddish-black sauce and told me to eat up. To be frank, I never really liked spare ribs but I don't know why they had the impression that I did. However, I had to be polite so I just gave the excuse that I was full and pushed the bowl to my dad. My aunt firmly intercepted the bowl and returned it before me. She told me gently yet firmly that my grandma's last wish on her death bed was to have been able to cook this spare ribs for me one more time. She didn't manage to realise her wish and so my aunt completed it on her behalf.
My mind went blank at that moment. You must know, my grandma had 7 children and 15 grandchildren and there could be 101 things she wanted to do. Yet her last wish was simply to be able to cook this bowl of spare ribs not for anybody else but for her most mischievous and unfilial grandchild. All she wanted to do was but to make me happy in a way she thought I would be even if I didn't like eating spare ribs. I quietly pulled over the bowl and bit into the spare ribs which were immersed in the murky sauce. I took chunks after chunks of the meat of it till the bones were ripped bare and as I tried my best to swallow every morsel, tears dropped into the bowl. I didn't bother to wipe my tears and continued eating as though there was nobody around. All I knew at that moment was that no matter how I didn't like spare ribs, no matter how full I was, I had to finish up the food. It was no longer just a bowl of spare ribs, it was a symbol of love and my grandmother's last wish. I can never forget how I felt when I knew what my grandmother's last wish was. Even up till today, whenever I think of this bowl of spare ribs, tears still uncontrollably make their way down my face.
After the wake was over, I recovered to my old cheery self almost immediately. However, everybody needs a grieving process for the wound to heal . All I did was to cover it immediately and of course it never got to heal. Slowly, this wound started to fester and rot and of course the pain it brought along with it increased exponentially too. Even till today, my heart cringes everytime I think about my grandma and just saying a few sentences about her brings tears to my eyes. Her death was a wound that never healed properly to me. I am left to painfully wallow in this debt of love I have to her. This is all retribution for me as I never learnt to return the love she gave to me. Even up till today, my grandma is still the lady I love the most in my entire love above my sis, my mum and definitely my future wife. Nobody is able to take her place for as long as I live, her love runs in my blood.
From her, I learnt how to look at the good side of people. I learnt how to appreciate rather than complain and to look at the good intentions of things people do even if the actions don't turn out all that fancifully. I never appreciated anything my grandma did for me be it the food she cooked, the blankets she sewed or the tender loving care she showered on me. Yet when I learnt all these, it was too late, the chance has been lost forever. Sometimes, thinking of all these lost chances give me the impulse to do something nice for my family and friends which seem so out of the blue. Maybe my grandma meant for all these love that I never managed to give her to be transferred to my family and friends.
It has been 10 years since she has passed away as I am about to turn 20 in about 2 months time. Frankly speaking I can barely remember how my grandma looks now but I can never forget how my grandma loved me. Her love flows in my blood and my actions and I really hope that she is well wherever she may be now. She died of stomach cancer when I was 10 and sometimes I have this wish that I can die of stomach cancer when I am old too. At least this way I can share something in common with her and pay back this retribution for how unfilial I was.
I love you Ah Ma.
Rather than say what follows is a story, I would prefer to call it a chapter simply because it is a chapter in my life-book. I have said excerpts from this chapter a few times before on this blog but never the whole of it so I thought it would be good if I could come clean with it. To me, it is the most painful chapter in my life even till now or metaphorically as a human, it is the biggest wound I have that festers even up till today. This chapter is about my paternal grandmother or more affectionately known as Ah Ma.
From the time I was born, I was brought up by my paternal grandmother. My earliest childhood memories were of myself at my grandmother's house playing around with my other cousins. This arrangement was most probably due to my parents' busy work schedule and as such I was given the chance to grow up under the care of Ah Ma. My grandmother wasn't young already then and taking care of a baby was definitely not a easy task. To add on to her burden, I was born not only an extremely mischievous child but also an extremely sickly child. I couldn't eat sweets, chocolates, ice-cream or any cold drinks or you would see a kid coughing so badly you thought he was afflicted with tuberculosis. When I slept, I could not turn on the fans or aircon and had to place a pillow over my chest to keep it warm on top of a blanket. I can't even keep track of how many times I had seen a doctor during my childhood for cough. All this carried on even till my primary school days.
Well, back to where I trailed off ... yes, imagine an old lady looking after a toddler like this. I cannot imagine how much of a burden I was to her during my childhood years. Yet I never once heard her complain that I was a burden to her. She always held that caring and kind expression and looked upon me as though I was her greatest treasure. I just had to say I like popiah and the next day she would trudge down to the wet market and buy bags of ingredients back to make so much popiah my entire family had to eat it for three meals everyday for a week. I even ungratefully used to complain that she was always overdoing it but this was all her way of showing how much she loved me. I was just SOO childish then. I really didn't see it this way, the way I should have seen it.
She loved to make blankets for my entire family. She would often bring me along to a cloth shop and buy bolts of cloth. Then she would cut them up into triangles and sew them back together into a beautiful masterpiece. This would then be sewed onto a piece of velvet and they would be the perfect thing to shield us from the cold. As we used the blankets, they became softer and softer and that made them all the more nicer to use. Each blanket spoke of her hard work, her care for us and her love. All these old blankets were thrown away when I moved house as they were all tattered and torn and how I wish I had left one behind.
Continuing on, my grandma slowly became sickly when I entered primary school. I didn't know what she was down with then. All I knew was that she was sick and as such I rarely got to see her. I knew she was in the hospital often yet I was never brought there to visit her. Then, one faithful day when I was 10 years old, my mum told me that grandma had passed away. At that very instant, I actually didn't feel anything. Maybe it was because I hadn't seen grandma for too long and her sudden absence didn't make any difference. I just acknowledged this reality and prepared myself to attend her wake.
I remember her wake was held at a void deck and when I arrived, I saw some of my cousins sitting on chairs wiping their tears. I thought to myself then that there was really no need to cry so much. However, the greatest mockery happened within minutes as I walked over to the coffin to look at my grandma's body. As I saw grandma's pale body resting inside the coffin, tears just instinctively started dropping. There was no feeling of sadness yet I didn't know why I was crying. Just minutes ago I was thinking that my cousins were over-reacting yet then I was crying uncontrollably. For that day, everytime the image of grandma's body passed through my mind, the tears would magically appear from thin air and make their way down my cheeks.
Yet kids are still kids and they recover very quickly. The next day I was up and cheery again even playing carom with my cousins as the wake grew "boring" for me. My aunt then walked over to me and passed me a bowl of spare ribs cooked in some reddish-black sauce and told me to eat up. To be frank, I never really liked spare ribs but I don't know why they had the impression that I did. However, I had to be polite so I just gave the excuse that I was full and pushed the bowl to my dad. My aunt firmly intercepted the bowl and returned it before me. She told me gently yet firmly that my grandma's last wish on her death bed was to have been able to cook this spare ribs for me one more time. She didn't manage to realise her wish and so my aunt completed it on her behalf.
My mind went blank at that moment. You must know, my grandma had 7 children and 15 grandchildren and there could be 101 things she wanted to do. Yet her last wish was simply to be able to cook this bowl of spare ribs not for anybody else but for her most mischievous and unfilial grandchild. All she wanted to do was but to make me happy in a way she thought I would be even if I didn't like eating spare ribs. I quietly pulled over the bowl and bit into the spare ribs which were immersed in the murky sauce. I took chunks after chunks of the meat of it till the bones were ripped bare and as I tried my best to swallow every morsel, tears dropped into the bowl. I didn't bother to wipe my tears and continued eating as though there was nobody around. All I knew at that moment was that no matter how I didn't like spare ribs, no matter how full I was, I had to finish up the food. It was no longer just a bowl of spare ribs, it was a symbol of love and my grandmother's last wish. I can never forget how I felt when I knew what my grandmother's last wish was. Even up till today, whenever I think of this bowl of spare ribs, tears still uncontrollably make their way down my face.
After the wake was over, I recovered to my old cheery self almost immediately. However, everybody needs a grieving process for the wound to heal . All I did was to cover it immediately and of course it never got to heal. Slowly, this wound started to fester and rot and of course the pain it brought along with it increased exponentially too. Even till today, my heart cringes everytime I think about my grandma and just saying a few sentences about her brings tears to my eyes. Her death was a wound that never healed properly to me. I am left to painfully wallow in this debt of love I have to her. This is all retribution for me as I never learnt to return the love she gave to me. Even up till today, my grandma is still the lady I love the most in my entire love above my sis, my mum and definitely my future wife. Nobody is able to take her place for as long as I live, her love runs in my blood.
From her, I learnt how to look at the good side of people. I learnt how to appreciate rather than complain and to look at the good intentions of things people do even if the actions don't turn out all that fancifully. I never appreciated anything my grandma did for me be it the food she cooked, the blankets she sewed or the tender loving care she showered on me. Yet when I learnt all these, it was too late, the chance has been lost forever. Sometimes, thinking of all these lost chances give me the impulse to do something nice for my family and friends which seem so out of the blue. Maybe my grandma meant for all these love that I never managed to give her to be transferred to my family and friends.
It has been 10 years since she has passed away as I am about to turn 20 in about 2 months time. Frankly speaking I can barely remember how my grandma looks now but I can never forget how my grandma loved me. Her love flows in my blood and my actions and I really hope that she is well wherever she may be now. She died of stomach cancer when I was 10 and sometimes I have this wish that I can die of stomach cancer when I am old too. At least this way I can share something in common with her and pay back this retribution for how unfilial I was.
I love you Ah Ma.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Comments and Suggestions
From my knowledge I know there are a little teeny weeny bit more people viewing my blog here now so just wanted to say that if you all have any suggestions and comments on how I can better my stories or just want to drop a greeting in general, feel free to leave a comment at my entries. Thanks!
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