曾经的爱

曾经,

当你想起我的爱, 你的脸会笑.

但现在你却说,同样的那份爱让你很痛苦.

你叫我放手, 因为你需要离开.

你说要分手, 因为你需要翱翔.

但是有样东西你没说而我却知道.

你去寻找了.

寻找一份我不能给的爱.

Habitual Love

When loving someone becomes a habit and yet you two are no longer together.

When you dream that you two are still together yet wake up knowing its all in the past.

When you instinctively reach for your handphone and type a caring sms yet slowly you delete it away.

What do you do?

What is with all the spam.... and HAPPY NY

I have no idea why there is so much spam on my cbox.... Really tempts me to close it down.

Anyway, the new year is coming soon. Personally I dun believe in new year resolutions cos if you really want to do something you dun need to choose new year's eve to remind yourself of it...

Lastly, NUS bidding system.... I HATE YOU!!!!!!

Hands

The hands that once nourished are no more,

The same hands have ploughed it bloody and gore.

Now I hope for a pair of healing hands,

To rid my heart of the scarred bands.

-Dixon

The Sun and the Planets

Copernicus told us that the planets revolve around the sun but when the sun disappears what will the planets revolve around? Will they continue spinning?

爱犹在, 心已死

Life's Journey

We didn’t start our journey together,

Our paths just crossed one day.

Looking at that weathered calendar,

Was it June or April or May?

Yet we made a promise to walk down further,

For as long as our promise would last.

Even if the road ahead is cluttered,

Or bellowing with torrents of dust.

Our promise could be two seconds,

A minute, two months or a year.

It really does not matter,

For we will charge on without fear.

When the day arrives and we grow old,

Our limbs turn weak and our books grow mould.

I will squint and peer holding my reading glasses,

Looking for you, among the masses.

When I get too weak, to walk this path,

Promise me you wouldn’t laugh.

Walk on baby, to the luscious meadow,

I’m just a little tired, let me sleep in your shadow.

Never look back and just keep moving,

Even if you sense that my soul is leaving.

And please my baby, do not shed a tear,

As I whisper goodbye to you my dear.

Now you walk this path, alone once more,

Just like that June or April or May, just like before.

Friendship is a pact

You enter the room in a smart suit and tie and the other party is already awaiting you. You both make a greeting and sit down at the conference table. Both of you read the terms and conditions of the contract one last time and then you both sign your names on it with an expensive fountain pen. That sounded like a classic business-contract signing ceremony.

Well, friendship is in a way similar. Friendship (and I do not mean acquaintances) comes with its intrinsic terms and conditions. Sometimes, these terms and conditions come in fine print and many fail to notice them. Essentially, when you commit yourself into a 'friendship pact', you are agreeing to abide by these two terms and conditions:

1) You must consider the impact of your actions on the other person's life and emotions.

2) You should strive to make the other person's life better with your presence and not worse.

When you think you can no longer abide by these rules, maybe its time to reconsider the 'friendship pact' and 'strive to make the other person's life better with your absence'.

A whole new beginning

My special semester at NUS has finally come to an end. Though I've had to face exams, assignments and sometimes mundane lectures, I'm still pretty grateful for the experience. It has allowed me to clear my modules in a more relaxed manner. I'm really grateful to my parents. When it wasn't confirmed whether MOE would reimburse my special term fees, my father told me "Its alright, even if MOE won't pay for it, if you want to do it just go ahead. We'll pay". Though I never once told him how grateful I was for this, I really am. Three modules is a whopping $1800++ and they definitely have no obligation to pay for my education. Though I know they weren't exactly thrilled when I got a B+ and A- for my first two modules, they just nagged a while and let it go. I know they just want the best for me.

Week zero is pretty much a rest week for me because I did not register for the orientation. So in a week's time I'm going to start my lectures proper (provided I get all my modules). I know the future is trying and since Mathematics isn't really the subject I like, the modules are going to be taxing. As a human I will have the tendency to slack and procrastinate but I hope by writing this here, if I ever read my own post again, I can be reminded to work harder. For myself and for my parents who love me.

Courage to Love

Hey everybody.. been ages since I wrote anything actually worth reading.. HAHAHA.. Well.. been pretty busy with school stuff and slacking so guess I'll give it a shot before school officially starts. So here's a fictional piece of work.

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The bus seemed to take eternity to arrive, the music seemed to take forever to end. Yet none of these mattered for he was sealed in his own timeless state of thinking. The edges of his eyes reddened and as he made a stronger-than-usual blink, tears threatened to embarrass him in public.

As he forcefully made his eyes swallow the tears back, he muttered to himself "It doesn't matter, you'll get used to it, nothing really does matter". Yet, even if he were to get used to heartache, it didn't mean it wouldn't hurt. Every heartache hurt just as bad in all its entirety. All he could do was to get use to the process of hurting and carrying on.

He once thought of stripping himself of the courage to love. For without love there would be no pain. Or at least that was what he thought. It was the easy way out, the best defence he could construct, yet it wasn't an idea he could accept. He knew he had to love, to give and to care for reasons he himself couldn't come up with. He just couldn't stop loving...

So if he couldn't adopt this easiest way out, he could only go for the second-best alternative. Slowly and painfully, he stripped himself of the courage to be loved. If he could remove the hope of being loved, maybe he could alleviate his pain and stop his suffering from expanding.

This was no easy path. To give and not ask to receive. Yet maybe if he managed to slice off this tumour, he might be able to save his entire body. But remember, in emotions there is no anaesthesia.

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Doubt is such a painful knife, it kills my memories

Where this is light, there will be shadows. Shadows move in ways that differ greatly from how the original person is moving and that is why I will call it 'Doubt'. Doubt is a very powerful yet silent killer. Its intangible and creeps into you waiting to murder the beautiful memories you have of somebody.

I always ask my friends to be more trusting, to believe and as such to be happy. Yet just as my friends are humans, I am too. I also have times when I fall prey to doubt. Doubt breeds from insecurity and insecurity comes from two people. We often hear people complain that others do things that make them have doubts yet doubting is a choice and both parties are responsible for it. For me, I'm having doubts that one of my friendships will last. I'm trying to repair this bridge but apparently its falling apart faster than I can repair it.

Maybe its just the wrong time. Maybe its not as I think. Doubting your doubts are often ways to allay them. Yet often I come to a greater, more convincing doubt. Maybe this bridge wasn't there at all in the first place. When there is nothing at all, there is nothing to repair or to destroy.

I never expect others to put me in the same priority as I do for them. Even when they are number 1 in my ranking, I just hope to be at least 101th in their's. Maybe I should stop dreaming.

Or maybe I'm just writing crap here...

My understanding of EMO-ing

Our generation (or the multiple eras after mine) have long been branded as angsty, melancholic or to use a more modern term - EMO. I do have my fair share of friends who go into periods of EMO-ing and I thought I would share my perspective of this particular feeling we sometimes get.

First these are two stands I want to make:

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1) I DO NOT think emo-ing is bad. To me emo-ing serves two purposes. The first is for you to reflect and through this reflection you can grow. Too often we look around us for ways to achieve growth but many forget that the greatest source of growth lies within us. Instead of foraging in the bags of others for growth, we should just look into our own backpack. Often this reflection will reveal many things you neglected before.

The second purpose for emo-ing is to remind you that you are still human. In this competitive society where weakness is abhorred and scorned, everybody wants to put up a brave front. They train themselves to never reveal their real emotions easily. Slowly, you lose the very essence of being human. Nothing is more fearful than the hardening of the heart. Humans are not super-humans. They have their strengths and their weaknesses and emo-ing reminds you that you are still fragile at times like a human and not unfeeling like a computer.

2) I DO NOT support excessive emo-ing. Other than the extreme cases of kissing your wrist with blades or enjoying the scenery on the beautiful parapet, excessive emo-ing still has its adverse effects on the average person. Emo-ing is like running around in a pond filled with piranhas. When you run around quickly you grow in terms of agility and speed but when you stay there too long, you can never gurantee that you won't be bitten by those flesh-eating monsters. Prolonged emo-ing transforms into a quicksand. Once you start sinking into it, it is extremely difficult for you to escape with external help.

After all these "DO NOT"s, here is a piece of advice I have which is purely personal opinion. Don't take it as your bible.

If your friend is emo-ing:

If you do not have the time to counsel your friend who is emo-ing or you do not know how to do it, DON'T even start. All you end up doing is say useless things like "cheer up" or "weekends are coming, you'll have a great time". These are but shallow talk skimming the surface of the water like the pebbles your throw to make ripples.

If you are emo-ing:

Don't come looking for me unless I know you well. HAHAHAA.. I wouldn't want to be the next SOS hotline.. I still need to consider the feelings of my phone bill and phone battery. Okok.. just joking. Tip here: Take a deep breath, close your eyes, tell yourself everything will get better and (optional) take a nap. Seems stupid? Well, self-delusion or self-hypnotism is rather useful. Anorexic girls who look in the mirror every day and say to themselves "I am beautiful like this, I do not need to slim down" do end up recovering better. Actually I don't mind lending a listening ear but I can't promise I can always attend to you at that instant. :)

I was stupid

I was daydreaming and suddenly I thought of some stupid misconceptions I used to have to prove to be rather hilarious now. So here's a slice of "I Was Stupid". (though I know some meanies out there will say I'm still stupid)

1) I used to think that the "Majullah Singapura" crest (representative of a major rank) was part of every uniform. That was until I saw someone with two of it...

2) I used to think that ear-piercing using a gun meant you stand some distance away with a marking drawn on the ear lobe and someone fires a sharp earring from a gun some distance away. That's why I was always amazed at how accurate the person would have to be...

3) When people said they had to draw a few vials of blood, I always wondered how the transition of vials would be like. Wouldn't blood start spraying all over once you remove the first full vial and before you slot in the second empty one?

Well, it isn't something to be ashamed of to be stupid, what is important is that you learn! Just for laughs here..

Looking Forward to Emptiness

Weekends are great! That's what most of us can agree on. At least weekends are better than weekdays. During the weekdays we look forward to the weekends when we do not need to work/study. Yet when the weekend arrives, I feel so empty. Hopefully I can fill this emptiness soon...

Dreams Dreams

Recently I have been dreaming a lot... Not the day-dreaming but the real night-time sleep dream. I really can't remember what they are but I just know I am almost dreaming every night which makes me tired when I wake up in the morning. How I wish I have dreamless sleep.

Mundane is a choice

Recently my life is slowly degenerated into a mundane one. Yet it suddenly occurred to me that a mundane life is a choice. It is up to the individual to set short term goals so that their life is spiced up. So chew on that!