Life's Journey

We didn’t start our journey together,

Our paths just crossed one day.

Looking at that weathered calendar,

Was it June or April or May?

Yet we made a promise to walk down further,

For as long as our promise would last.

Even if the road ahead is cluttered,

Or bellowing with torrents of dust.

Our promise could be two seconds,

A minute, two months or a year.

It really does not matter,

For we will charge on without fear.

When the day arrives and we grow old,

Our limbs turn weak and our books grow mould.

I will squint and peer holding my reading glasses,

Looking for you, among the masses.

When I get too weak, to walk this path,

Promise me you wouldn’t laugh.

Walk on baby, to the luscious meadow,

I’m just a little tired, let me sleep in your shadow.

Never look back and just keep moving,

Even if you sense that my soul is leaving.

And please my baby, do not shed a tear,

As I whisper goodbye to you my dear.

Now you walk this path, alone once more,

Just like that June or April or May, just like before.

Friendship is a pact

You enter the room in a smart suit and tie and the other party is already awaiting you. You both make a greeting and sit down at the conference table. Both of you read the terms and conditions of the contract one last time and then you both sign your names on it with an expensive fountain pen. That sounded like a classic business-contract signing ceremony.

Well, friendship is in a way similar. Friendship (and I do not mean acquaintances) comes with its intrinsic terms and conditions. Sometimes, these terms and conditions come in fine print and many fail to notice them. Essentially, when you commit yourself into a 'friendship pact', you are agreeing to abide by these two terms and conditions:

1) You must consider the impact of your actions on the other person's life and emotions.

2) You should strive to make the other person's life better with your presence and not worse.

When you think you can no longer abide by these rules, maybe its time to reconsider the 'friendship pact' and 'strive to make the other person's life better with your absence'.

A whole new beginning

My special semester at NUS has finally come to an end. Though I've had to face exams, assignments and sometimes mundane lectures, I'm still pretty grateful for the experience. It has allowed me to clear my modules in a more relaxed manner. I'm really grateful to my parents. When it wasn't confirmed whether MOE would reimburse my special term fees, my father told me "Its alright, even if MOE won't pay for it, if you want to do it just go ahead. We'll pay". Though I never once told him how grateful I was for this, I really am. Three modules is a whopping $1800++ and they definitely have no obligation to pay for my education. Though I know they weren't exactly thrilled when I got a B+ and A- for my first two modules, they just nagged a while and let it go. I know they just want the best for me.

Week zero is pretty much a rest week for me because I did not register for the orientation. So in a week's time I'm going to start my lectures proper (provided I get all my modules). I know the future is trying and since Mathematics isn't really the subject I like, the modules are going to be taxing. As a human I will have the tendency to slack and procrastinate but I hope by writing this here, if I ever read my own post again, I can be reminded to work harder. For myself and for my parents who love me.

Courage to Love

Hey everybody.. been ages since I wrote anything actually worth reading.. HAHAHA.. Well.. been pretty busy with school stuff and slacking so guess I'll give it a shot before school officially starts. So here's a fictional piece of work.

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The bus seemed to take eternity to arrive, the music seemed to take forever to end. Yet none of these mattered for he was sealed in his own timeless state of thinking. The edges of his eyes reddened and as he made a stronger-than-usual blink, tears threatened to embarrass him in public.

As he forcefully made his eyes swallow the tears back, he muttered to himself "It doesn't matter, you'll get used to it, nothing really does matter". Yet, even if he were to get used to heartache, it didn't mean it wouldn't hurt. Every heartache hurt just as bad in all its entirety. All he could do was to get use to the process of hurting and carrying on.

He once thought of stripping himself of the courage to love. For without love there would be no pain. Or at least that was what he thought. It was the easy way out, the best defence he could construct, yet it wasn't an idea he could accept. He knew he had to love, to give and to care for reasons he himself couldn't come up with. He just couldn't stop loving...

So if he couldn't adopt this easiest way out, he could only go for the second-best alternative. Slowly and painfully, he stripped himself of the courage to be loved. If he could remove the hope of being loved, maybe he could alleviate his pain and stop his suffering from expanding.

This was no easy path. To give and not ask to receive. Yet maybe if he managed to slice off this tumour, he might be able to save his entire body. But remember, in emotions there is no anaesthesia.

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Doubt is such a painful knife, it kills my memories

Where this is light, there will be shadows. Shadows move in ways that differ greatly from how the original person is moving and that is why I will call it 'Doubt'. Doubt is a very powerful yet silent killer. Its intangible and creeps into you waiting to murder the beautiful memories you have of somebody.

I always ask my friends to be more trusting, to believe and as such to be happy. Yet just as my friends are humans, I am too. I also have times when I fall prey to doubt. Doubt breeds from insecurity and insecurity comes from two people. We often hear people complain that others do things that make them have doubts yet doubting is a choice and both parties are responsible for it. For me, I'm having doubts that one of my friendships will last. I'm trying to repair this bridge but apparently its falling apart faster than I can repair it.

Maybe its just the wrong time. Maybe its not as I think. Doubting your doubts are often ways to allay them. Yet often I come to a greater, more convincing doubt. Maybe this bridge wasn't there at all in the first place. When there is nothing at all, there is nothing to repair or to destroy.

I never expect others to put me in the same priority as I do for them. Even when they are number 1 in my ranking, I just hope to be at least 101th in their's. Maybe I should stop dreaming.

Or maybe I'm just writing crap here...

My understanding of EMO-ing

Our generation (or the multiple eras after mine) have long been branded as angsty, melancholic or to use a more modern term - EMO. I do have my fair share of friends who go into periods of EMO-ing and I thought I would share my perspective of this particular feeling we sometimes get.

First these are two stands I want to make:

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1) I DO NOT think emo-ing is bad. To me emo-ing serves two purposes. The first is for you to reflect and through this reflection you can grow. Too often we look around us for ways to achieve growth but many forget that the greatest source of growth lies within us. Instead of foraging in the bags of others for growth, we should just look into our own backpack. Often this reflection will reveal many things you neglected before.

The second purpose for emo-ing is to remind you that you are still human. In this competitive society where weakness is abhorred and scorned, everybody wants to put up a brave front. They train themselves to never reveal their real emotions easily. Slowly, you lose the very essence of being human. Nothing is more fearful than the hardening of the heart. Humans are not super-humans. They have their strengths and their weaknesses and emo-ing reminds you that you are still fragile at times like a human and not unfeeling like a computer.

2) I DO NOT support excessive emo-ing. Other than the extreme cases of kissing your wrist with blades or enjoying the scenery on the beautiful parapet, excessive emo-ing still has its adverse effects on the average person. Emo-ing is like running around in a pond filled with piranhas. When you run around quickly you grow in terms of agility and speed but when you stay there too long, you can never gurantee that you won't be bitten by those flesh-eating monsters. Prolonged emo-ing transforms into a quicksand. Once you start sinking into it, it is extremely difficult for you to escape with external help.

After all these "DO NOT"s, here is a piece of advice I have which is purely personal opinion. Don't take it as your bible.

If your friend is emo-ing:

If you do not have the time to counsel your friend who is emo-ing or you do not know how to do it, DON'T even start. All you end up doing is say useless things like "cheer up" or "weekends are coming, you'll have a great time". These are but shallow talk skimming the surface of the water like the pebbles your throw to make ripples.

If you are emo-ing:

Don't come looking for me unless I know you well. HAHAHAA.. I wouldn't want to be the next SOS hotline.. I still need to consider the feelings of my phone bill and phone battery. Okok.. just joking. Tip here: Take a deep breath, close your eyes, tell yourself everything will get better and (optional) take a nap. Seems stupid? Well, self-delusion or self-hypnotism is rather useful. Anorexic girls who look in the mirror every day and say to themselves "I am beautiful like this, I do not need to slim down" do end up recovering better. Actually I don't mind lending a listening ear but I can't promise I can always attend to you at that instant. :)

I was stupid

I was daydreaming and suddenly I thought of some stupid misconceptions I used to have to prove to be rather hilarious now. So here's a slice of "I Was Stupid". (though I know some meanies out there will say I'm still stupid)

1) I used to think that the "Majullah Singapura" crest (representative of a major rank) was part of every uniform. That was until I saw someone with two of it...

2) I used to think that ear-piercing using a gun meant you stand some distance away with a marking drawn on the ear lobe and someone fires a sharp earring from a gun some distance away. That's why I was always amazed at how accurate the person would have to be...

3) When people said they had to draw a few vials of blood, I always wondered how the transition of vials would be like. Wouldn't blood start spraying all over once you remove the first full vial and before you slot in the second empty one?

Well, it isn't something to be ashamed of to be stupid, what is important is that you learn! Just for laughs here..

Looking Forward to Emptiness

Weekends are great! That's what most of us can agree on. At least weekends are better than weekdays. During the weekdays we look forward to the weekends when we do not need to work/study. Yet when the weekend arrives, I feel so empty. Hopefully I can fill this emptiness soon...

Dreams Dreams

Recently I have been dreaming a lot... Not the day-dreaming but the real night-time sleep dream. I really can't remember what they are but I just know I am almost dreaming every night which makes me tired when I wake up in the morning. How I wish I have dreamless sleep.

Mundane is a choice

Recently my life is slowly degenerated into a mundane one. Yet it suddenly occurred to me that a mundane life is a choice. It is up to the individual to set short term goals so that their life is spiced up. So chew on that!

SAFety

Recently read the news of the NSF PTE and regular 1SG who got shot at Thailand. I feel so sorry for the NSF... Its part of the regular's career to be exposed to these risks so there is nothing to say but for the NSF it is just part of his 2 years.. And MINDEF even delayed publishing this... Strange that no one bothered to ask questions like "Why wasn't the area recceed beforehand?". Hopefully the PTE gets monetary compensation for the trauma of his parents and himself. To me, you can be unreasonable to NSFs, scold them, overload them but make sure they are SAFE. Their parents raised them for so many years not to die or get injured during NS. To all my NSF friends, STAY SAFE!

Happy Mother's Day

I'm not going to rant about how I celebrated Mother's Day cos that is purely my private business. I just want to take this chance to wish all the mothers of my friends a Happy Mother's Day! Thanks for giving birth to such wonderful friends that make my life so much better!

MIA? Nah.. just lazy

Heya everyone.. Its been a long time since I blogged and dun worry, I didn't fall into some ditch and die. Afterall, you haven't seen my name on the papers. Well, recently I've been busy with tuition, my juniors' competition, their camp and relief teaching. Actually, it's not really very busy.. Haha..

I just love the gym camp I attended. Though it was a much more toned down version compared to the past when it was flooded with violence. I practically know only less than half the juniors and most probably in a few years they will all no longer know me. Luckily there are still the sec 4's and above like yixiang who know me and one pesky sec 3 hou zheng.. Haha..

Looking at my juniors jump around really makes me feel that I'm old. I no longer have the guts and strength to try daring stunts and I'm now pretty much limited to the safer somersaults and twists. Though this isn't exactly a feeling I will like to relish, I'm still glad my juniors are doing well. Sometimes going back isn't so much taking the chance to jump on the trampoline or chit chat with my juniors. It's more of seeing myself in the image of my juniors. The stunts they do, the childish things they laugh at, the trivial matters they are preoccupied over or the small things they complain about. No matter how much others think that these are "Stupid", I don't think so. Afterall, I've been through this too. I was once that childish, impulsive and violent Dixon and just as I've grown, I believe my juniors will also bloom with time into young adults that far surpass me. For now, there is no point in forcing them to grow for they will only end up missing a precious piece of memory in their life.

We must never be afraid that our juniors surpass our achievements. If we do, the generations to come will only deteriorate and never improve. That's why I always try to give them advice if they encounter problems. I want them to fly higher than I have and make my achievements seem miniscule. So reach for the skies my juniors and I will always be proud of you!

Things you would want to do or say to your other half

Being bored out of my wits, I've come up with some romantic ideas of what you would want to do or say to your other half. They could be present ideas, action ideas or words ideas. However, I've combined the actions and words cos they come together. Enjoy and give me your comments!

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PRESENTS - Everyone loves a surprise now and then

1) Stars of love to shine over us: A bottle of hand-folded stars with the number of stars in it representing the number of days/weeks/months/years (depending on how long, find a suitable and do-able number) that you two have been together. Use different colours and write a love message on each strip of paper before folding it into a star. (Yes, the words are on the inside) The message to accompany the gift should be "You know I love you so much and if there are times when I make you angry, open up a star and be reassured of how much I love you."

2) Stitches of love to warm our hearts: Depending on which one you are more familiar with, you could make a cross-stitch or do a sweater. The message to accompany it should be "With every stitch I remind myself how much more I love you compared to the previous stitch"

3) Food of love to fill your stomach: Whip up something for your other half. Depending on what the other person likes (sweet stuff, pastries, chinese food, italian food, etc), cook a dish for the person. The key to this is the effort and not the taste though to be on the safe side, consult a friend who knows how to cook.

ACTION & WORDS - Express yourself or risk eternal silence

1) Look at your partner intently and say "Now, I'm going to take a picture of you so that it will be imprinted on my heart forever". Wink hard and continue with "Did you just see me flash the camera shutter?"

2) "You are not just the biggest chapter in my life, you are the binding holding me together."

3) Look at your partner and when he/she asks what are you looking at, the answer is "I just can't get sick of looking at you"

4) "Sometimes I just get so jealous of your bed because I can't stand anything else holding you"

5) "You made me forget what LOVE means, because my only answer now is YOU"

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Biggest party of my life

Heyaz.. been a long long time since I wrote a story and finally here is something. Its purely fictional but I do like some parts of it.

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From the day we were born, we were destined to die. This is not pessimism; this is a fact of life. Just as the gift of life accords all of us the same status, Death is also the great equalizer. The only difference is that some of us finish our cycle earlier and some just get to enjoy the process a little longer.

I would consider myself a man of the new age, someone from the 21^st century. I come from the generation of computers, the internet, space shuttles and air-conditioning. Yes, that darned cooling device we all love. On top of that, I get to die from a modern day disease – cancer, what a fashion statement. Liver cancer, stage 4, terminal. I don’t drink so it’s probably not the reason my liver becomes a rock but with all the radicals, pollution and whatnot, it really isn’t that much of a surprise I am afflicted with it.

Well, when we talk about stage 4, chemotherapy doesn’t really does more than make you lose your hair. You would rather spend the money on preparing your funeral than on something that makes you puke and worse still, make you ugly. Put it in another way, not everybody has the chance to prepare for their funeral. Afterall, it isn’t always nice to bother others with having to buy you coffins or wreaths.

So, when I know it’s almost time to change my bed, I withdraw some money from the bank and go for one of the more unorthodox treatments – retail therapy. Girls would scream and shriek like your ancient banshees when you mention the word “SHOPPING”, but I give shopping an entirely new meaning.

Coffins, wreaths and crematorium services are definitely the basics. Afterall, if I didn’t get a plush comfy bed at home, I would want to relinquish that feeling in a coffin. Oh yes, flowers! Flowers are nice. They serve as wonderful decorative purposes and make the place smell all nice and fragrant. I wouldn’t want people to think I forgot to bathe before I took my last nap. Lastly, we can’t leave the coffin lying around forever and to save space, torching it is always the best ending.

I think I forgot to mention that I had a childhood dream that never materialized. I always wanted to host a party be it for my birthday or otherwise. Well, if I couldn’t do it for my birthday, I would still like to have a memorable one for my funeral though I don’t think I will be the one remembering it. Also, I have a secret to confess. Deep down, I’m actually an extremely vain person. I want to look all handsome and I don’t think my pale corpse can do that for me. So what better way to do it than photos! I don’t want black and white serious photos. I want my own montage with colourful photos of me and my friends during the happy times. I never got to have one shown during my birthdays so its time I got my wish fulfilled. Just let me be selfish for once.

What is a party without invites! So I set about making my own custom-made invitation cards bearing my stylish cool signature. I didn’t include the RSVP option because ALL of you are coming and its compulsory with the capital “C”. Just give me some face and turn up for once. I promise there’ll be a wonderful spread with a custom dish for every person depending on what each and every one of you likes to eat. I don’t think I’ll be able to cook them personally when the time comes but rest assured the chef has my recipes and has been well-trained. I will remember who doesn’t eat beef, who dislike prawns and who eats pretty much everything. Hahaha..

Being the rebel I am, I’ll even throw in something better! Traditional funerals require the guests to bring along a red packet with a token sum of money which sometimes exceed just being token. I wouldn’t want my friends to go to such expense so I’m cancelling that. On top of it, I’ll prepare a red packet for everyone to take away. Treat it as my token of appreciation for taking the time to come for my last party. I’ll help to offset your transport fees and if the food isn’t to your liking, you can use the remainder to get a bite at a posh restaurant.

Now that most of the preparations are done, it’s time for me to record my speech. I have to say sorry to each and every one of you for magically disappearing out of your lives for the past 6 months. You know cancer doesn’t give you a nice face colour and I really don’t want to lie to anyone who would ask. The most painful thing is not death itself but seeing someone slowly walk towards it. I don’t even want to look in the mirror for the past 6 months and all the more I wouldn’t want my friends to look at me. If I’ve not done anything nice for them before, at least let me swallow this pain myself. I never want to see you all cry and you better not let your tears smudge my make-up. Some say that the coffin is but a box and to me, it’s my confession box. Hopefully it can allow me to be forgiven for the things I’ve done and for the hurt I’ve given to my best friends.

Looking at the photos I’ve chosen for my montage, I suddenly miss my friends a lot. They were all beautiful chapters in my life and unfortunately it is time for me to end my life-book. I’ve not allowed myself to cry because I know if I can’t even do this, how am I to ask my friends to keep their tears. I’m getting a little tired and I’ll miss the hugs and friendly pecks on the cheek from you all but all I have left to ask is a smile from you. Cheese….

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