Dixon I miss you

Sometimes I miss the old me. The Dixon that was always willing to sacrifice and compromise. The Dixon that was kinder to others and always sensitive to their feelings. The Dixon that was full of energy, ready to love, chatty and ever-cheerful. I know that Dixon once existed for sometimes, just sometimes I see the shadows of him in my memories.

I miss you - Dixon

Part of your imagination

Previously I was talking to a friend and this concept came to my mind - What if I was just part of your imagination? Well, it goes something like this:

What if all along I was but part of your imagination. One day you wake up and when you try to look for me, you find out that this person does not exist. You sms me but you do not receive a reply. You try calling me but the number is not in use. You call my house number and this person does not live there. You pay a visit to my place but you do not recognise the people living there. You ask our mutual friends and they ask you 'Who is Dixon?'.

If I were but part of your dreams, your imagination and you finally woke up. The dreams and memories seem so vivid yet you can no longer find traces of my existence. What would you do? How would you feel? Life would still go on. Perhaps occasionally you might think 'What a weird dream I had'.

Try putting yourself into such a scenario, perhaps you might treasure your friends more and enjoy your dream before you wake up. Who knows, one day you might really wake up to find yourself having lost them.

The leech

I thought you knew me and I think you thought you did too. Yet sometimes we what we firmly believe in our minds is grossly misaligned with reality. When will these errors fix themselves I really have no idea. They arose when we least expected and painfully carved themselves into us. With their imprint, with a scar we carry on with life.

Hush little problems, do not awake. For the fragile heart cannot predict the future. Be a little leech, I'll feed you with my blood, as long as you keep it quiet, just between you and me. This is our secret, our promise. The sun will shine, hearty and bright. As he walks laughing in its embrace, I'll hide my leech in the shadows.

I'll walk on, with a great big smile - for as long as it can last.

Hurt, really hurt

I'm hurt, really hurt. To a certain extent I am speechless or perhaps I still have a last small wish to keep the friendship going and thus I choose to be speechless. It is not my character to keep quiet when I being wronged or when I know I can actually wreck the other person's argument. Neither is it my character to keep mum when facts are presented incorrectly or when I have a burning reason to tell. But this time, I kept mum. I don't know why I did that but I swallowed every insult and insinuation thrown at me.

Frankly I am in awe of myself. I already came out of all that wreck weak and frail and it took a lot out of me to take those blows. Because you are unable to discuss something without losing your temper, I choose to end the discussion hoping you will feel better. I chose not to talk about these things yet you dug them out only to wreck my heart again. You blamed me for digging up old shit when I already tried hard to bury them with blood and you asked me to unearth them. Yet whenever we have issues you only choose to run.

Have you ever considered that the reason why these 'old shit' exist is because you persistently refused to face them and clear them? Yet when I break my heart into pieces and use them to try to bury old issues, you start to taunt me by saying there is nothing that we cannot talk about. You claim you want to hear what is bothering me and you want to hold my hand and walk us through. Yet after my hands are dirtied digging it out, you throw my hand aside and get angry for even trying to stretch my filthy hands out.

You left me speechless but it was a choice and a compromise. You delivered a punch to my heart and I chose to pat your hand and ask if your hand hurt. Possibly I was really too filthy or scum-like and you couldn't help but add on two blows with a sledgehammer. Pardon me but my heart never really healed and I can't take more. You always said you would help to heal me but you never did.

You dismissed my passion as bullshit and a parasite that would only bring things down. You rebuke me for picking on you when I'm asking you to step lighter on my heart. To you I am worthless along with all I stand for and I all do yet to me you are worth all the pain, compromise and contribution. Many have told me to wake up and move on with life, a happier life disjoint from yours but I chose to take this path and possibly I asked for this.

Try reading what you said again and hopefully you can feel a fraction of my hurt or perhaps you would regret not putting in another blow.

Heart-shattered

Rays from heaven

Everybody knows that the beam of a torchlight in the day is almost undetectable but in the darkest roads it lights up your path more than you can imagine.

To me, you are like a ray of light from the heavens. During the happy times, you give me an extra fuzzy warm feeling that reminds me that you are there alongside all the other sources of light. You seem to smile as I frolick and bask in the joy and bliss of life. Yet during my darkest times you are the only thing I can see and depend on. You remind me that I am never alone and that you will light my path to carry me through. You are a gift. A present I can never be willing to let go of.

And with you, I know I have the strength to carry on. Thank you!

Asian parents

I've come to realise that asian parents, or at least mine, are often more adept at wielding the stick than the carrot. Whenever anything happens, more often than not they desperately need a target for blaming. They are unable to accept that certain misfortunes in life occur out of bad luck. To them, every bad thing must have a cause and that cause must be you.

When I was told that I should undergo an operation, the first thing I was afraid of was not of the operation itself but rather of the admonishment i risked hearing upon breaking the news to my parents. When I told them of the medical problem I had and that I wanted to visit a doctor, the first thing they said was "Must be you did ..... that's why like this". (Pardon me that I do not reveal what medical problem it is)

This is the exact reason why I take up insurance on my own accord despite my limited financial resources. The last thing I want to deal with if I were to come down with cancer one day is that "Your treatment very expensive" or "Must be you did something/ never do something that's why get cancer". Meanwhile, I can only feel myself drifting away from them.

Second chances in life

Life doesn't always give second chances and that is why I really treasure this one bestowed. :)

Miserable

I'm feeling miserable, really miserable.

I remember the times when we talked about how we would press on till we were both old. How you would cut apples for me if I were bed-ridden. Yet now all are but dreams of yesterday. Maybe you feel relieved that everything is over but I feel nothing more than miserable.

The ostrich and the tumour

Everybody knows what ostriches are like. They hide their heads in the ground when faced with impending danger. Often humans also adopt this ostrich attitude when dealing with matters. They prefer to hide from the problem and hope that it goes away with time. Little do they realise that the problems still exist and will only snowball with time.

Maybe another analogy works better. Tumours are malignant growths in the body and they pretty much hurt if you aren't really careful with them. Applying the same situation here, once tumours grow, the best option is to have them removed. No one denies that this process hurts but by avoiding this altogether, the tumour will only grow till one day it devours you.

P.S. Time isn't going to solve anything, it'll only let my heart die out. I hope I still can cry for you for when I can no longer cry for you, everything is over and that is when my heart is fully dead.

Heart-dying-in-process

有一天你会走

如果你不想走, 就让大家陪你一起努力, 因为你永远不会是我们的负累.

但若你真的累了, 也不想走下去了, 我们也会学习忍痛放手.

为你自己而活吧!

你的责任我们会接手, 你的爱意我们会传达.

过去因你而美好, 而在没有你的未来我们会互相扶持地走下去.

因为我知道你会要我们幸福, 而我们也会为了你去寻找这份幸福.

"如果说你要走, 我不会留..."

曾经的爱

曾经,

当你想起我的爱, 你的脸会笑.

但现在你却说,同样的那份爱让你很痛苦.

你叫我放手, 因为你需要离开.

你说要分手, 因为你需要翱翔.

但是有样东西你没说而我却知道.

你去寻找了.

寻找一份我不能给的爱.

Habitual Love

When loving someone becomes a habit and yet you two are no longer together.

When you dream that you two are still together yet wake up knowing its all in the past.

When you instinctively reach for your handphone and type a caring sms yet slowly you delete it away.

What do you do?

What is with all the spam.... and HAPPY NY

I have no idea why there is so much spam on my cbox.... Really tempts me to close it down.

Anyway, the new year is coming soon. Personally I dun believe in new year resolutions cos if you really want to do something you dun need to choose new year's eve to remind yourself of it...

Lastly, NUS bidding system.... I HATE YOU!!!!!!

Hands

The hands that once nourished are no more,

The same hands have ploughed it bloody and gore.

Now I hope for a pair of healing hands,

To rid my heart of the scarred bands.

-Dixon

The Sun and the Planets

Copernicus told us that the planets revolve around the sun but when the sun disappears what will the planets revolve around? Will they continue spinning?

爱犹在, 心已死